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| So, here are some updates. Lately, I've been thinking where I would be in about five years, and then, in ten years and so forth. It's so exciting but yet I find myself nervous with fear and wonder - all in a good way. With my brother leaving to Korea, I will soon be alone in Canada, finishing up my school and there, I will be waiting for a wave to come. The older I get, the more I realize how passionate my mom and my dad are. They've always been fun but at the same time, serious people to hang out with, and I realize there wouldn't have been more perfect parents for me on this earth. They're just what I needed and it's just been so perfect. God has an amazing way of putting things together - in ways that are much higher than our ways, with thoughts that are much higher than our thoughts. I'm truly grateful for that! It's been more than two months since I last saw my mom. When me and my brother said bye to my mom at the airport, I've felt a small emptiness. I haven't been more consistent with phone calls to my mom in Korea and busier I get, more she slips my mind. I know it's bad! But, there's always this feeling, especially when you are a son, a first son, you feel this sense of responsibility and protective care towards your mom. My prayer is - wherever we are as a family, whether we all might be living in different continents, we can get together a few times a year and have our phone calls running as often as possible. I hope, this will be the same in five years, or in ten years. That a person who thought of this will not forget future promises and be as loving as possible. Man, time does fly! But I like to think that I'm still young and have much to go. So, I won't get this youth wasted on anything, but if anything, I'll use this energy and youth for God, wherever I go. I'm a little tired now. But I'll write more later. Peace | | |
| "Somebody's afraid of commitments"
I don't know how many times I've heard that, but it never struck me as a guy who would be afraid of commitments. Things were never in line with my intention, as to not knowing what I'm doing or as to hurt someone else. I wish I could've looked at myself and analyzed myself to see that I'm not such a committed guy. But it leaves me with frustration, because I don't want to be that guy! I don't think I'm that kind of a guy! Other words couldn't penetrate me as hard as those when it comes down to commitments. But, as I was sitting outside in the field, just enjoying the view and nature around it, it struck me really fast. I must admit that it was random.
At one moment, I was thinking about where I'll be in a year, and the next moment, there I was, thinking about people who've shared those exact same words with me. But I guess it's always healthier to see what's inside of me rather than think of these people as bad - one wise old man told me this once too. So, I took his advice and started to look inside.
I realized that it's always my mom who gets frustrated with me the most. It's because she cares too much for me, and it's always been healthy for me to have her as my mom. (Thank God for her - for some reason, she's the perfect character for me to have her as my mom) She's always told me that I say and promise things to people a lot, but my actions never follow. Ever since I was Grade 7, I developed this habit of lying, but to tell you the truth, I've never bluntly lied to my mom because she knew me too well. I remember my lies to many people around me, and especially to the girl I dated in Grade 7. Even the smallest stuff, I lied straight to her face and didn't feel the guilt. Then I'd promise her things to make up for, but I never could. So, the relationship fell apart. Other relationships fell apart. Later in the years, all relationships either fell apart or the intimacy we've built diminished a bit. This is when I began to run away, not because I was afraid of commitments, but because I felt like I screwed things up a lot and I could start a fresh stage in life.
I realized something. I felt something in my heart, telling me during a conversation, that I don't want to lie to someone/her because in the long run, I want to committed. If I lie about something now, then I'll have to lie more to cover up those lies and eventually, commitment goes away and the relationship falls apart. I realized that I became more careful of my words, and some things inside of me I began to share truthfully. It wasn't much, but I know that, to me, it was a lot more than I would usually share with others.
I could become passionate in my lies, but I realize I don't want that anymore.
Perhaps there is truth in saying 'truth shall set you free.'
But more than freedom, there comes a healthy committed relationship, and I want to see where this can take me. I no longer want to be afraid, but understand that just like how God has been faithful to me, I can take that same faithfulness towards a girl, my family, and other precious people around me. My prayer is that, as I become faithful to God, I will for a girl as well - and this will be a favor of God.
Good night;
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| Sometimes, I feel like I have yet to learn so much. Not just because people tell me, but because I feel it from time to time. I feel as though, I'm re-learning things the right way ever since I met God. Learning to be a child, who devours every lesson there is to learn in life and yet, doesn't know how to decipher what's of God and what's not. But with this mindset, I realize that I'm very careful of what I learn but find myself in confusion, waiting for God to deliver me.
Sometimes, I wish I could remake the past. With the things I learned now, if I could apply them in appropriate situations and make the decisions that would've led me to a better place. But then again, I wonder if I've met God if my life unfolded this way. Because, there's truth in which that God found me at a perfect time on a perfect course. So, in a sense, my life has been unfolding the way God wanted it to be, in a perfect way with so many mistakes and tears, so that He could find me at a perfect spot.
I'm starting to think this salvation is a funny thing. It's truly a mystery, and it remains a mystery of how God works in our lives. For example, I could do everything I can in my power to find God, to experience God, to connect with God, but if it's not in God's timing, it is not meant to happen. But I believe that that desperation still needs to be there, because when you do, you'll feel like God found you. Somehow, you'll be left with repentance, thanksgiving, and overwhelmed by God's love that makes you shiver. God did find me. And it says in the Bible that it's by grace alone that we are saved. The word 'grace' itself is such a mysterious word as well.
I've heard many times of people saying 'I want to experience God, but it's not happening.' Then, I thought to myself that it will happen with that kind of heart. If the desire's there, He'll definitely come and find you, because He's been looking for you and knocking at your door. But there's this sense of timing that God does, and that, I will never know. But once you find God, there's no greater feeling in the world. I think everyone would agree with me on this, amen? There's absolutely no greater feeling in this world than that. And from there, God will teach you how to love, how to be compassionate, how to walk in the light, how to use the gifts He gives, and how we ought to worship Him. Because in the end, for people who've found God, there's a value on God. The value is moved to the top of our priorities, because we value it so much. For people who've experienced God, there is no turning back because we know nothing else on earth can replace the experience. There comes this value and some of us are willing to give up our lives for this value. God becomes everything!
Is it not amazing? Wow, I like this. I think God is starting to stir something in my heart about worship.
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| Lately, things that have been on my mind have been pretty hard. I think Satan attacks me pretty well, but too cheap of an attack for me to even give him credit for. But, when I consider my situations, I'm learning to put aside my emotions and think things with logic. Writing things such that it's to the point and all the other factors that are irrelevant, whether it be trying to explain my situation or what-not, must not matter when addressing my situations. It's not the people that are bad, because I believe in good in all people - whether they're God-loving people or not, but Satan is definitely clever to turn things around.
It's actually very encouraging for me to see that Satan's on the move. With all the things that have been happening at my church, with all the people on fire for God, the devil's getting nervous and he's pulling his strings to make his cheap shots. Not only to me, but for all other pastors and leaders. It tells me that we are actually well-united and we're all on the right course in seeking His revival upon our church. It's coming! Now I know, that it's definitely coming!
The devil has already been defeated by our God, and there's no need to fear for our God is on our side! And with our God on our side, nothing is impossible! God, teach me to be gentle and kind to others at this season. Make me a man of kindness and gentleness, so that in peace and with a constant prayer, I will handle things in Your name. I believe that when I do so, there will be love spread out in the room and we'll experience God even more!
Anyway, I'm off to sleep. See ya!
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| This morning, I woke up to the footsteps of my housemate leaving for her work. So, as she was leaving, I stepped out to our balcony and watched the Sun rise. In the midst of all these clouds, I saw a glimpse of the Sun right in front of me. Leaning against a wall in the balcony, I felt an immediate refreshment, knowing that His mercies are made new every morning. My cup is filled! Just like how the Sun rises every morning, so is His faithfulness and His promise over us.
So, I quickly grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, trying to capture the state of my soul into a song. Two songs/ideas came out of me. The songs are still not done, but I was so refreshed after hearing it. There, my hope and my prayer went out again, hoping to see that the tired, the weary, the broken, the sick, the wounded, and all the spiritually-paralyzed people who need a song of peace and love.
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